(di@ry1@Nd) (gu3$+b00/<) (3M@i1) (@rchiv3$) (bi0gr@fy) (r3vi3VVz)

(10.03.02) (20:50)

(day's dawning... skin's crawling...)

Some random poetries i wrote in drafting today - some okay, and others well-beyond sucking:

No. 1
The darkness from within, it shines.
The hatred from without, it grinds.
Against the stone, cold, hard, and thin,
Against a heart, unlike mine.

What you say can do no harm;
My skin is like an old folk charm.
It hinders all, sweet, sour, and tin.
It also hinders which is warm.

No. 2
Protection is my saught for life,
From anything which causes strife.
From bad to good, good to evil.

No.3
In my life, I've never seen such beauty.
In my heart, I've never felt such exaltations.
In my hands, I've never held your hand.

[I like this one particularly, because it ended up actually meaning something - I didn't intent for that :P]

No. 4
Im so fucking tired of this life.
This life.
does not deserve a title as such.
does not deserve my acknowledgements,
and yet,
there it sits, awaiting my reply.

A world of wonders, i scoff, is but naught.
Kinder hearts, say you, could not unwind.
They feel, say they, they feel your need
but do not understand.

We need compliance, sayest we.
We need companions, sayest we.
We need compassion, sayest we.
We need another life.

No. 5
Grief and sorrow could not explain.
Death and poverty do ordain.
Within a life is empty.
Non.
Nothing.
Rien.
Running, flailing, searching, waiting;
Neither comprehend.
Within my life, i wish to find
An end.
The end.
Mon fin.

And that's all of them. I feel suddenly inspired lately, but I'm afraid its just a fluke, and in a few days, i'll be dry again.

We have a football game tomorrow in Atlanta. That's 2-2.25 hours away. On a bus. With all my friends. That's gonna be good.

So I was surprised. I walked into the commons (school's cafeteria) this morning, and Amy looked seriously pathetic; head down on the table, red spot on her forehead that indicated it had been there for a while, and she looked a bit bleary-eyed when she looked up at me (either due to sleepiness, or sadness, and I for one pick no. deux)

Amy: did you hear what happened? I guess not, since it was after you got off. We broke up.
Me: Aww, i'm sorry! did...er...who... um...
Amy: It was mutual.
Me: oh. (after a few minutes) so is part of you sad?
Amy: (quickly) Yes.
Me: okay, then I'm sorry for the part of you that's sad.

So yeah. And then in band she was trying to hit her head on anything hard she could get her hands, or head, in the proximity of. I believe just a wee bit more than part of her was sad...

Josh said Jansen was crying after it happened. they (being amy and jan) are really quite confusing. He was pathetic today as well. He still pretty much followed her around. Before they broke up, josh and jan would say goodbye to amy and i after band because we went in the opposite direction, and this morning Josh said "Bye Dana!" and Jansen started to say "Bye Amy!" but he stopped himself in time. He had the ultimate "i've been hosed so badly I've forgotten about it" look.

Anywho, enough of that. Today at practice I was looking at these girls who weren't really over weight, but they also weren't skinny, and I asked myself, "Self, why do you think they aren't skinny?" and I cogitated on it, and I realized why.

because they have ACCEPTED the fact that they aren't, and can never be HEATHILY skinny.

I need to accept the same fact. but dammit, i don't want to.

I want my bones to stick out. I want my elbow to be bigger than my upper arm. I want my thighs to only be muscle covering bone - no nasty stretch mark-covered flab. I want my collar bone to look like two little finger bowls set just above my chest. I want my fingers to be spindly. I want to be able to see the tendons that connect my hand to my arm. I want my ribs and hip bones to stick out, appearing to be almost painful. I want cheekbones. I want the little dip things on either side of my lower abdomen, right beside my hips and spine.

This is not acceptance.
I need acceptance.
But I don't want it.

----------------------------------------

listening: placebo's "pure morning"

thinking: i hope amy and jansen are gonna be okay... I actually have a feeling they might get back together, because they are both so miserable now...

feeling: accomplished, because I have found another good band (aforementioned)

+h3N : n0VV : $00N

r@Nd0M