(di@ry1@Nd) (gu3$+b00/<) (3M@i1) (@rchiv3$) (bi0gr@fy) (r3vi3VVz)

(10.07.02) (20:57)

(turn to me now, we'll make it somehow, cuz time's are tough and I won't let you down...)

This kid that plays clarinet is a big christian freak. Nearly everyday, he wears a shirt proclaiming his reglion in some way or another. One of his shirts that he wears ritually (get it) says C.O.P.S. - Christians Obediently Preaching Salvation. What are you gonna do when HE comes for you?

Does this bother anyone else? Obediently. Go to church. Say your prayers. Be kind to others. Sit, boy. Play dead. Roll over, boy. Good dog.

Everytime he wears that shirt, I read it at least three times. And everyday I think, "My, what a good little puppy YOU are!"

Speaking of religion, my friend found out today that I'm not religious. Even after I told her I didn't want to go to her church. I would accept that maybe she just thought I don't go to other denomination's churches, if not for the fact that the ENTIRE south is made up of christians. Eh.

Today's practice was a horrible one. Not ten minutes out in the parking lot, I see josh talking to some trumpet chick and I start getting depressed. It isn't jealousy - at least i don't think it is. its just that i know it is possible for someone to stop liking his/her girl/boyfriend and start liking someone else. And then came the weight issues.

There are loads of people thinner and more attractive than i am. loads upon loads upon...well, you get it. In my head, i start to name all the possible people josh could start liking more than me. and with each name, i sink lower and lower into that gorging chasm affectionately title "Insecurity." Everytime I move, I feel rolls of fat jiggle, and i telepathically hear thoughts of disgust from those around me.

And then i start thinking about being sad. I start thinking "I'm so sick of being sad. I'm sure everyone else is too. If I just acted happy, everything would be great." and then of course I think "but I don't want to act happy. If i did, my feelings would just sit inside me and fester until they boiled over and splattered like split-pea soup onto my shoes."

I know if I don't act happy, chances are that josh won't even notice so I don't have to worry about upsetting him. so i decided to not hide anything this time.

He didn't notice. He knows, alright, that something was wrong, but only because "someone" (he won't tell me who, but i bet it was amy) told him I was mad at him. I wasn't mad (except i am a bit ticked that he didn't even NOTICE ANYTHING WAS WRONG, DAMMIT) but that's beside the point. (i had a point?) oh right. Its annoying having your best friend not notice when something's wrong, ya know?

Jansen (aka, the Jackass) always knows when something is wrong. He pays attention. He can tell. In the band room after practice he looked at me and asked if i was ok and I made a "what are you talking about, I'm fine, let's move on" (not in so many words, but then... you probably already figured that out... as its a LOOK! okay, yeah) and i could tell he didn't believe me. but he let it alone. that's how he is. he really is a nice guy, when he isn't dumping his friends because of a fucking bad mood *ahem*

+h3N : n0VV : $00N

r@Nd0M